


Time and Again

by bioticbootyshaker



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-04
Updated: 2013-01-30
Packaged: 2017-11-20 07:20:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/582754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bioticbootyshaker/pseuds/bioticbootyshaker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Why did you save me? Why did you let her die?"</p><p>	Shepard was quiet for a long while. Kaidan figured he didn't want to answer the question, didn't feel that it was necessary to explain his actions or defend his choices. He almost gave up, left Shepard to deal with his demons alone in the dark, but Shepard finally spoke up. "I don't know," Shepard said, "I don't know why, and I don't know what you want to hear. It was a split-second decision, Kaidan, and I made the call. I left a friend to die, and that wasn't easy. It was..." He didn't finish.</p><p>   He didn't need to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Never Again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [vanderloo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanderloo/gifts).



> A birthday/thank you fic for vanderloo~ <3

"Alenko!"

Kaidan heard his name being shouted, but he wasn't sure from which direction. Sweat was running into his eyes, and there was the copper taste of blood at the back of his throat. He felt weightless, but at the same time, he felt overwhelmingly heavy. His mind drifted, but his body remained anchored, rooted to the spot, to the ground, with nothing to support him or lessen his burden.

Shepard was there, his face like some kind of bastion of hope. Kaidan laughed, hectic, not sure why, just sure that he was losing his mind and Shepard was the only thing that mattered. "Alenko," Shepard whispered, or maybe he was still shouting, maybe Kaidan was only hearing his voice as a whisper as the light faded and the blood pooled in his throat. "Kaidan," Shepard said, harshly, grabbing Kaidan by the front of his armor and shaking him. That got through, pierced the gray like a beacon, and Shepard's face swam back into focus.

"I need an e-vac," Shepard said, not to him, to Joker, to someone up on the Normandy. "Lieutenant Alenko is down. Repeat: Lieutenant Alenko is down. We need to get out of here."

"Just need... minute... catch my breath," Kaidan struggled. He spat out blood, felt it slide hotly over his bottom lip and down his chin. It felt like he was trying to breathe through glass. "Have to... Commander... Just---"

"Quiet," Shepard said. "Shut up, Alenko."

There was a touch against his hair. Soft, tender, scarred fingertips pressing down against his scalp. Kaidan closed his eyes, but apparently that was the wrong thing to do, because Shepard was shaking him again, trying to keep him awake. He wondered why it mattered so much, why Shepard was being so cruel, why he couldn't just close his eyes for a few minutes and get some rest. Kaidan still felt heavy, still felt like he was operating on an entirely different universe.

"Stay with me," Shepard said. That time Kaidan was sure Shepard was whispering, because his breath was right against his ear, Shepard's lips tickling him. "Come on, Kaidan. Stay with me."

"Sheper," Kaidan said. That wasn't right. No; Kaidan's lips couldn't make his name, couldn't form it. He tried again, swallowing down blood. "She-Shepard."  
"Right here," Shepard said, "Right here."

Kaidan slipped into gray, and then into blackness, feeling Shepard's fingers in his hair, his breath on his ear.

 

****

"Had me really worried, Alenko."

"I'm sorry," Kaidan whispered, "Y'know, that wasn't really my objective when I got shot."

Shepard laughed. Kaidan would never tell him so, but he liked his laugh. He liked the way it lit up his pretty blue eyes and filled his face with warmth. He liked, more than anything, the way Shepard's eyes crinkled when he laughed. He looked a hell of a lot younger when he laughed, younger and far more innocent. Like he'd never held a gun, or burned his hands on thermal clips, or felt blood -- his own or someone else's -- spread under his palm.

They weren't the right thoughts to have about your Commanding Officer. Kaidan knew that, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. Or maybe he didn't want to stop himself. Inappropriate thoughts never hurt anyone, unless they were said out loud, where no amount of smiling and laughing away could lessen their impact.

"You need to be more careful," Shepard said. Well, wasn't that just the pot calling the kettle black? Shepard was the last person who needed to tell someone to be cautious; the man who rushed into battle head-first and never hesitated to assist everyone regardless of how large and dangerous their request was. More than once Kaidan had wanted to snatch Shepard by his ear and drag him away from the situations he kept finding himself in; but of course Shepard was his CO, and Kaidan wasn't in the mood to deal with the repercussions of that.

"You too," Kaidan whispered. "I'm not... Ah, I'm not going to tell you how to handle your business, Commander, but you might want to take a little bit of your own advice."

Shit, that was one of those things that sounded so much better in his head.

"Are you trying to give me tactical advice, Lieutenant?" Shepard asked.

"No," Kaidan said. His heart was beating fast, and while the med-bay was cold, Kaidan felt unnaturally warm. He cleared his throat and looked away from Shepard's steady blue stare. " _Friendly_ advice, Commander."

No doubt Shepard would have something to say to that, something that would shut Kaidan down and remind him that he was Shepard's subordinate, and while they might be friendly, that didn't mean they were friends. Instead, Shepard chuckled, and reached over to rest his hand over Kaidan's. "Yeah," Shepard said, "You're right. I do the best I can, though. I try to keep everyone safe. But, Kaidan, watching you like that--" Shepard shook his head, tightening his fingers over Kaidan's hand. "Never again, okay? I don't want to see that again."

"Try my best, Commander," Kaidan said, "No promises though. Trust me, I'm not looking to die anytime soon." Kaidan forced himself to meet Shepard's eyes, forced himself to _hold_ those eyes. "I still have a lot I want to get done. A lot of stuff that I need to do. A lot of... people I'm not really ready to say goodbye to."

"Hey," Shepard said, "Happy to be one of those people, Lieutenant."

Shepard stood and stretched, cracking his knuckles and rolling his shoulders to loosen them. Kaidan wasn't sure that was even why Shepard rolled his shoulders. Sometimes it seemed like it was a little quirk of his, something he did when he was bored or restless, without thinking. Kaidan added it to the long list of things he noticed about John Shepard that he probably shouldn't have.

"I gotta head out," Shepard said, "You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah," Kaidan said, "Hey, don't... don't worry about me or anything, Commander, I'll be fine."

"Better be," Shepard said. He smiled, one of his crooked smiles that filled Kaidan's stomach with butterflies. "I need you, Alenko."

That wasn't the right thing for a Commanding Officer to say to his Lieutenant, either, was it? Most likely not, but then, it was probably nothing. Harmless, innocuous, just a friendly phrase that Kaidan's perverted mind was taking entirely out of context. Then again, when Kaidan looked into Shepard's eyes, he wasn't sure.

He wasn't sure at all.

 

****

For the longest time after Virmire, Kaidan wanted to ask Shepard why. Why, when he had been given a choice to save Ashley or himself, had he chosen Kaidan? Why hadn't he gotten her out of there and left Kaidan to die instead. It seemed a terrible question to ask him, a terrible thing to even wonder about, but Kaidan couldn't help himself. In his own opinion, professional and personal, Ashley had been far less expendable than himself.

Never question the chain of command. That was what Kaidan had been taught his entire life. In brain camp, through his training with the Alliance, through his entire military career, the number one rule was you never questioned an order, never asked your Commander why they had acted the way they had. Kaidan could understand why that was status quo -- tough decisions had to be made, for better or worse, and it wasn't up to subordinates to wrap their heads around the sometimes brutal thinking of their CO's.

Kaidan had never been good at keeping his mouth shut, particularly when he absolutely _had_ to.

"Why me?" Kaidan asked.

Shepard was sitting in the dark in the crew quarters, his elbows on the table, his head in his hands. Kaidan had sat with him quietly, not wanting to disturb him, to put more weight on his already over-burdened shoulders. But some questions needed to be asked.

Some questions needed an answer.

"What?" Shepard asked.

"Why did you save me? Why did you let her die?"

Shepard was quiet for a long while. Kaidan figured he didn't want to answer the question, didn't feel that it was necessary to explain his actions or defend his choices. He almost gave up, left Shepard to deal with his demons alone in the dark, but Shepard finally spoke up. "I don't know," Shepard said, "I don't know why, and I don't know what you want to hear. It was a split-second decision, Kaidan, and I made the call. I left a friend to die, and that wasn't easy. It was..." He didn't finish.

He didn't need to.

"Yeah," Kaidan whispered, "I get that Shepard. I'm sorry."

"I don't need you to be sorry," Shepard said, "I need you to be _ready_. I need you to fight, Kaidan." Even in the dark, Kaidan knew Shepard was looking at him. He could feel the intense heat of his eyes. That old familiar shiver crawled up Kaidan's spine; the tingle that let him know Shepard was close, Shepard was watching him, Shepard needed him. As though Shepard could sense his thoughts, his hand was there on top of Kaidan's, palm warm and a little damp. Even in the dark, he didn't fumble; he moved with purpose.

"I need you to have my back," Shepard whispered.

"I will," Kaidan said, "I mean, I _do_. You know that, Shepard."

Fingertips brushed over his knuckles. Friendly, maybe, or something more. Kaidan couldn't tell anymore.

"Yeah," Shepard said, "I know."

 

****

"Because I thought of living without you," Shepard said. He had been standing in the doorway for nearly five minutes, watching Kaidan work, reading over datapads and typing into his Omni-tool. Kaidan had tried to pretend Shepard wasn't there, but it was damn hard with that steely blue gaze of his.

"Commander?"

"I didn't like it much," Shepard said. "The idea of not seeing you, of looking over and seeing this empty space where you belonged. Ash... God, she was a great friend, a great soldier, and it tore my heart out. You know that. It ripped me apart to watch her die. If I could've saved both of you, I would have. In a heartbeat. But I... Stop me from making an ass out of myself any time here, Lieutenant."

Kaidan didn't know what to say, or if he should say anything at all. Shepard had just told him that the reason he didn't let him die was because he couldn't stand the thought of living without him. What could you say to a thing like that; what _should_ you say? Kaidan could do nothing but stare at Shepard, waiting for him to say something more, or come a little closer, or maybe leave with nothing more to add.

"Say something," Shepard said. "Anything, I don't care."

"Ah... Thank you?"

"Wrong thing," Shepard said.

"You told me to say anything," Kaidan sighed, "That's... That's all I've got, Commander. I don't know what to say. I don't know if there's anything I _can_ say."

"Maybe not. Maybe I want something you can't give me."

"What's that?"

"A reason," Shepard said, "A reason to why I... feel this way when I look at you."

Kaidan swallowed, heard a click at the back of his throat. There was nothing to say to that. It was best to avert his eyes, remain silent, let Shepard take the hint. Nothing good could come out of... whatever Shepard wanted to happen. He was his _Commander_ ; there were about a hundred different protocols and kept them from being together. So, yes, he would just drop his eyes and let the silence be his answer.

"What way?" Kaidan asked.

Shit, that was the opposite of what he'd wanted to do.

Shepard came closer. No, that wasn't good, that wasn't what Kaidan wanted. He wanted Shepard to leave, to take all of his unanswerable questions and his tangled feelings and his pretty blue eyes somewhere else. But Shepard just kept coming closer until he was standing over Kaidan with his hand on Kaidan's cheek and his rough fingers tucked under Kaidan's jaw.

"Like I don't know what the hell I'm doing," Shepard whispered. "Like I'm just... drifting. I'm all tied up in knots, Alenko. I don't... know what I'm feeling or thinking half the time as it is. Thinking about you isn't helping." Shepard's thumb touched Kaidan's bottom lip, stroking, hard with a callus. "I just thought you should know you make me crazy," Shepard said, "That's all. And maybe you should know I'd like to give it a try, if you're interested."

"'It', Commander?"

"Us," Shepard said. He laughed, tucking his thumb against the corner of Kaidan's lips. "Are you always this dense, Lieutenant, or is this something you save for me?"

Kaidan could feel his lips trembling against Shepard's thumb. He wanted to say something -- either to refuse Shepard's advances or be suave and flirty and reciprocate -- but he couldn't think of anything to say. He laughed, which wasn't even close to what he wanted to do, and looked up into Shepard's eyes.

"I'm sorry," Shepard said. His thumb slipped from Kaidan's lips, his feet slipped back, moving him a foot or two away from Kaidan. "I shouldn't... Damn, I'm sorry, Kaidan."

"No," Kaidan said, "Hey, don't... There's no reason to be sorry, Shepard. I just--- I, ah, don't really know what to say. Or if... if it's the right thing to do, and I---"

"It's kinda simple though," Shepard murmured, "Do you want me?"

"I, uh---"

"Do you want me, Alenko?"

Simple question, simple answer. There was no room to think of what it would mean after they collided and their mouths touched and their clothes fell to the floor. There was no room to think of anything other than how those pretty blue eyes made him feel, how twisted into knots he got when he was close to Shepard, how he thought of him when he closed his eyes at night. No room to think of Ash and her sacrifice, of Shepard choosing him, of Shepard telling him, 'I didn't like it much, the thought of not seeing you'.

"Yeah," Kaidan said, "I want you, Commander. Shepard."

The distance was closed between them. Shepard wasn't content to let his thumb be the only skin that touched Kaidan's lips. He leaned over and pressed their mouths together, softly, asking permission for something deeper. "Might be time to start calling me John," Shepard said, laughing when Kaidan's face flushed. His hand cupped Kaidan's cheek, thumb brushing softly under his eye.

"I want you," Kaidan whispered, voice a little too husky, filled with a little too much need. He smiled, nudging his nose against Shepard's. "John."

"You know this isn't why I saved you, right?" Shepard asked. "I mean, that'd be pretty terrible---"

Kaidan laughed, gripping Shepard by the nape of his neck and kissing him, roughly. There was no permission asked, because permission was granted when Kaidan pushed his tongue into Shepard's mouth.

Sometimes the tough calls were even tougher to _explain_.

It was fine, Kaidan had to accept it. They all did. And at the end of the day, he had to take what little happiness he could. At that moment, the only happiness Kaidan could find was in John Shepard's eyes.


	2. Horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Kaidan it had been two years. Two years of grieving, of trying to let go and move on, of picking himself up and dusting himself off and staggering towards some kind of future. For Shepard, though, it felt like no time had passed at all. He held Kaidan in his arms, and it felt good, it felt right, it felt like the only thing he should be doing. He knew that it wasn't the same, however, and that he couldn't expect Kaidan to pretend it was. Being dead was a good enough excuse for not calling your boyfriend; but Shepard felt like it wasn't a good enough excuse to blindly ignore that things had changed.
> 
> "It's good to see you," Shepard whispered.

Chapter Two

They weren't alone, and it wasn't exactly the perfect spot for them to express their relief at seeing one another alive. Again, a hundred different protocols attempted to make the air between them cold and formal, but Shepard and Kaidan had enough heat and electricity left to stave it off. They embraced, neither of them bothering with formality or worrying about the people standing behind Shepard, shifting a little uncomfortably. They hugged and Shepard left a kiss on Kaidan's jaw.

For Kaidan it had been two years. Two years of grieving, of trying to let go and move on, of picking himself up and dusting himself off and staggering towards some kind of future. For Shepard, though, it felt like no time had passed at all. He held Kaidan in his arms, and it felt good, it felt right, it felt like the only thing he should be doing. He knew that it wasn't the same, however, and that he couldn't expect Kaidan to pretend it was. Being dead was a good enough excuse for not calling your boyfriend; but Shepard felt like it wasn't a good enough excuse to blindly ignore that things had changed.

"It's good to see you," Shepard whispered.

For a moment, Kaidan's arms tightened around him, and his breath touched Shepard's lips. And then Kaidan was pulling away, pushing his fingers through his hair, looking down at his boots as though they had become the most interesting things in the galaxy. 

"Yeah, good to see you too, Commander," Kaidan said.

"What happened here?"

"Not sure," Kaidan said, "Got reports there might be some Collector activity here, so the Alliance stationed me here to protect the people and keep a line of defense." He looked up, his eyes as dark and warm as Shepard remembered. But there was something different about them, something cold. Kaidan had never looked at him with so much suspicion and distrust before. Shepard felt the judgment like a punch to his stomach. "You'll be straight with me, won't you Shepard?" Kaidan asked.

"You can trust me, Lieu---Major."

"Rumor is you're working with Cerberus," Kaidan said, "I didn't want to believe it, but---"

"I'm helping them stop the Collectors," Shepard said, "I need their resources and they need my experience. Mutually beneficial, Alenko, but I still don't trust them."

"Two years of nothing, and then I hear this." Kaidan sighed, shaking his head, not meeting Shepard's eyes. "Commander, I just want you to tell me why, when they rebuilt you or... whatever they did, you couldn't contact me. I mean, after everything, I thought---"

He looked at the people behind Shepard, scratching behind his ear. His face was flushed. Shepard could remember kissing that face in the darkness, feeling Kaidan burning under his mouth. He pushed the thoughts and memories away; there was no time, and this was no place. "...I thought maybe you'd think of me," Kaidan finished.

"I did think of you," Shepard said, "I just... Two years is a long time, Kaidan. I thought you might've... moved on. Been doing your own thing. Looks like I was right."

"Yeah," Kaidan said, "Failing to protect this Colony, that's what I've been doing with my time." 

"Kaidan---"

"Y'know, Shepard, I just wanna know one thing: Why the hell don't you re-join the Alliance, make the Collector threat known? Let them handle it. They have resources and could build you a team."

"The Alliance isn't willing to get their hands dirty," Shepard said, "Cerberus is. I don't trust them, Kaidan, but I sure as hell can see that they get results."

"So that's it, then?" Kaidan asked, "Nothing is gonna change your mind?"

"I'm doing this for the right reasons," Shepard said. He lowered his voice, stepped a little closer to Kaidan. "I thought you'd understand. I thought you might join me again, help me take care of things." Even lower, against the scar on Kaidan's lip, "I miss you."

Kaidan's hands found Shepard's and their fingers linked. Too short, too brief. Kaidan pulled back, finally letting his eyes rest on Shepard's face. Harder, colder, less inclined to see the silver lining, to look on the brightside. Kaidan had been through a lot even before Shepard had died -- it was understandable he should have grown a little harder. Still, Shepard was sorry to see the warmth gone, sorry he had been the reason it had fled. 

"It's too late now," Kaidan said, "I'm sorry, Commander."

As he was leaving, Kaidan looked back at Shepard over his shoulder.

"Stay safe, Shepard."

Somehow, even though he felt numb, Shepard managed to say, "Yeah, you too Kaidan."

****

“Is there history?” Kelly asked.

Shepard didn’t want to talk about it, which meant that Kelly _did_ want to talk about it, and she would poke and prod until he opened up. Well, if it meant he could get to his cabin and take a shot (or two) of whiskey to settle himself sooner, so be it. “History,” Shepard said. The word tasted funny, and felt even funnier on his tongue. He had never thought of Kaidan as just another part of his past before, and it stung like hell. 

“Yeah, there’s history,” Shepard said. He leaned against the terminal, pretending to absorbed in correspondence. He tried to pretend that he didn’t care, that he had more important things to concern himself with, that what he and Kaidan had had together was best left behind. But he couldn’t quite convince himself. He might have been rebuilt and repaired from the ground up, but his heart still ached a little for Kaidan Alenko, and he figured it always would.

Most likely Kaidan just needed to take some time to get used to the idea that Shepard wasn’t dead. He had seen the relief in those dark eyes, it had been palpable in the breath against his skin; Kaidan just felt… left behind. Shepard could understand; the lieutenant – the major – knew the stakes of war, and what each of them could and often times had to pay to serve in the Alliance. But Kaidan also had a tender heart, and a sweet soul, and he had always had trouble letting go of people. He never believed there was a good death, and while Shepard thought there were noble -- or at least dignified -- ways to die, he had always agreed with him. 

“Just gotta let him wrap his head around it,” Shepard said. He wasn’t speaking to Kelly, only to himself, but he felt her hand on the nape of his neck. Cool and dry – a relief after spending all day in hot, confining armor. “He’ll come around.”

But Shepard was unsure. He had seen more than relief in Kaidan’s eyes back on Horizon; he had seen _distrust_. Not just of Cerberus, but of _him_. And if Kaidan couldn’t trust him, couldn’t believe that Shepard was only working with Cerberus to protect the Galaxy, then Shepard wasn’t sure the Major could really love him. 

Not the way he once had. 

It was even more difficult for Shepard to wrap his head around. Two years had disappeared. He felt like his time with Kaidan, his time on the SV-1, had been just minutes earlier. He could still remember the sweat on Kaidan’s upper lip when he’d kissed him, the little growl at the back of his throat when Shepard’s hand had inched up his thigh and grabbed him. He could remember the taste of whiskey on his tongue and the feel of those hard fingers pressed against his throat, right over his pulse. He could remember, better than anything else, how Kaidan had breathed over that pulse a little later, how his breath had been too damn hot. 

But then, he was burdened with a good memory. 

Well… maybe Kaidan was too. 

“Yeah, just needs some time I bet,” Kelly agreed. “It’ll be okay, you’ll see.”

Shepard wished he could believe her, but he had never been willing to risk everything on a losing hand.

****

Kaidan looked at the picture, a little torn at the edges and wrinkled from too much folding, of he and Shepard. It had been taken on the Citadel, one of those stupid things they had done while on shore leave, with no idea of what lay ahead of them or what they were getting themselves into. They were smiling, head leaned together, fingers linked. Kaidan thought he looked a little goofy, maybe kind of stupid if he was being honest… but the way Shepard was looking at him…

_Do you want me, Alenko?_

Kaidan had stumbled with the blunt question. He had stammered and made a fool of himself, flushed and tongue tied. Now, he would tell Shepard that he wanted him, he’d always wanted him, he wanted him _stil_ l; but Kaidan knew better than he had before. He knew that getting tangled up with Shepard would invariably end up with getting his heart stomped on. It wasn’t anything Shepard meant to do, and it wasn’t even precisely his fault; it was only the truth. Shepard was one hundred percent dedicated to the job – which Kaidan understood, it took a lot of commitment to make it as far as Shepard had as fast as he had. But he was also in love with the job, in a way that Kaidan had always found a little disheartening. He needed the adrenaline and the blood rushing to his head and the dizzying descents through the atmosphere. He needed the thermal clip burns on his knuckles and the smell of smoke on the air and the thrill of putting his boot against someone’s throat.

It was just part of who Shepard was, as vital to him as breath and blood. Kaidan wished he could have been so important, but he wasn’t jaded enough to blame Shepard for something he couldn’t really help. He had no doubt the man loved him – and quite a bit judging by how tight he had held Kaidan on Horizon and how desperate his eyes had been – but he could never love him as much as he loved being a soldier. 

_Yeah_ , Kaidan thought. Some soldier. _Working for Cerberus. I get it, sure I do, but still. After all the crap we saw them pull he just allies with them like it’s no big deal._

That probably wasn’t fair, but Kaidan found it hard to care. 

Cerberus had done some deplorable things, and they had seen it firsthand. Kaidan saw the logic of Shepard hitching his wagon to the organization – they had brought him back, after all, and were probably funding everything through some shady channels – but even still Kaidan couldn’t trust Cerberus, or anyone who allied with them. The idea that he didn’t trust Shepard, a man he had fought with and for, who he would have died to protect, who he _loved_ , hurt him worse than anything ever had. Maybe Kaidan was a little tenderhearted, but he had believed Shepard was a man of integrity, a man who wouldn’t trust the human race – and most likely the entire Galaxy – to an organization like Cerberus out of nothing more than _convenience_. 

_I love you_. He could remember Shepard’s breath against his ear, his body heavy on Kaidan’s back. He could almost _feel it_ , and he shivered.

Kaidan rubbed at his eyes with the heel of his palm. 

Damn, but it was dusty in his cabin.

****

06.15 2186 CE

From: CMR. Shepard, J.  
To: MAJ. Alenko, K.  
Subject: [blank]  
Status: Unsent

_Two years is a hell of a long time._

_A lot of people would say too long, but I don’t really know about that. I’m sitting here thinking about you, Kaidan, so maybe it’s not too long of a time. Maybe it’s just… gonna take some getting used to. Or maybe I’m talking out of my ass here and you’ve already moved on. Just… I want you to know something._

_I love you, Kaidan._

_Always have. Stands to reason I always will. Even if it’s too late, I want you to know that what we had still matters to me. It wasn’t for nothing. You gave me everything you had, and maybe I never appreciated it as much as I should have, but I appreciate it now. And I’m just… thinking about you, Kaidan, and missing you, and wishing things were different._

_Never did anyone a whole lot of good, I guess._

_Just be good to yourself. Take care of yourself the best way you know how._

_Still owe you a few credits from when you kicked my ass at poker._

_I’m good for it, Kaidan._

_Yours,  
Shepard_

His fingers hovered over the key that would send the message to Kaidan. For a few minutes, Shepard stood there, reading his message over and over until his eyes started to hurt. 

He never managed to send it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter hurt me  
> a lot ;3;
> 
> written for vanderloo on tumblr <3


	3. Into Ashes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was the last person Shepard thought of before darkness took him.

Chapter Three  
Time seemed to stand still when the VI grabbed Kaidan by the front of his helmet and slammed him up against the shuttle. Shepard was aware of his heart beating in his ears, and a scream building in his throat, but beyond that he had gone numb. In the space of what could have been only a few seconds Kaidan was dropped – limp and lifeless – to the ground, and the VI turned her unfeeling eyes to Shepard.

Instinct kicked in, a little too late if Shepard had any say in the matter, and Shepard raised his pistol and fire three rounds at the charging VI. Still, everything seemed to be happening in slow motion, his hand raising, the bullets flying, the VI crumpling to the ground, the smell of smoke heavy on the air. Shepard tucked the pistol into the holster on his hip and looked at Kaidan’s crumpled form.

He ran to him, time speeding up. He fell to his knees beside Kaidan, tracing his fingertips over his damaged helmet, whispering his name – and when that didn’t work, shouting his name. Shepard grabbed Kaidan and flipped him over his shoulders, carrying him towards the waiting Normandy. 

“Grab that thing,” he ordered, eyes flicking to the VI.

Even with Kaidan bleeding over his shoulder, he was thinking like a soldier.

Sometimes it made Shepard sick. 

****

Speaking your piece to an unconscious man just didn’t have the same power to it. Still, Shepard spoke, and because he couldn’t, Kaidan said nothing. It was awkward, more awkward than Horizon had been, more awkward than Mars when those indignant eyes had looked at him like he was the enemy. Nothing hurt worse than finding out a person you loved and trusted didn’t love and trust you. Shepard chalked it up to mistrust over his time with Cerberus, but he knew there was more to it.

Kaidan was in a lot of pain. Not just because of Cerberus, but because Shepard had left him. Maybe it hadn’t been Shepard’s fault, maybe he had only been doing whatever he could to save the last of his crew aboard the original Normandy; but when it came to what a person felt, deep in their heart where even they couldn’t seem to touch or understand it, logic didn’t have much of a foothold. 

“I’m so damn sorry,” Shepard whispered. Easier to say when Kaidan wasn’t looking at him, when those dark eyes weren’t on his face, warm and bottomless. Shepard stroked his thumb over Kaidan’s bruised cheek, down to his swollen lips. “I should’ve been there for you. Damn it, Kaidan… That’s all I wanted. All I ever wanted was to be with you. Everything’s always been complicated and I don’t want it to be. I just---“

Shepard leaned down and pressed his lips to Kaidan’s temple. He let them linger for a long moment. He could close his eyes and pretend nothing had changed, that the past two years had never happened. He could feel Kaidan’s pulse beating under his lips, slow and faint, but _steady._

“I just love you,” Shepard said. “A hell of a lot, Major. So get back on your feet and get better.”

As he was leaving, Shepard looked back at the broken body behind him.

“That’s an order.”

****

“Hey, Kaidan.”

“Hey, yeah,” Kaidan murmured. “Thanks for coming, Shepard.”

He sat down beside Kaidan’s bed, his hands between his knees. He traced the sunlight over his scarred knuckles, not ready to look up into Kaidan’s eyes. Not ready for whatever he might find there. He hoped forgiveness, or the offer of a fresh start; but he supposed it could have just as easily been coldness and mistrust. 

Kaidan reached out and took his hand.

Shepard looked up.

“Don’t know if we’re… if we’re good, Shepard,” Kaidan whispered. “But I do know I wanna try. If you do. I just know I can’t keep pretending I don’t think about you, or miss you, or need you, or---“ Kaidan bit his lip, thumb stroking over burned, scarred knuckles. Shepard didn’t push him, didn’t ask him to finish. He didn’t precisely want him to finish, because he was sure if Kaidan did, he wouldn’t be able to keep himself from kissing him. Shepard guessed it was frowned upon to make out in a hospital.

Kaidan never finished, and that was okay. Shepard held his hand and let the silence be comfortable. It felt nice to just sit with him, to not have to battle against Kaidan’s suspicion and his own defensiveness. Shepard lifted Kaidan’s hand to his mouth and kissed his knuckles, and when Kaidan smiled it looked like every bit of sunshine in the room was filling up his face and eyes. In a lot of ways Kaidan was like the sun in Shepard’s life, what he moved around, what he was inexorably pulled towards. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d felt himself gravitating towards the man; it seemed like an eternity, like he’d always been in love with Kaidan Alenko.

“Getting late,” Shepard said.

“Don’t go,” Kaidan whispered. “Not just yet.”

Shepard squeezed Kaidan’s hand softly.

“Yeah,” he said, “Okay.”

****

“I wanna know something,” Kaidan said.

He was standing in the doorway of Shepard’s cabin, hair a little messier than usual, still damp from his shower. Shepard thought he looked pretty damn serious, but it was hard to tell with Kaidan, he always looked pretty damn serious.

“Okay,” Shepard said. He set aside his datapad and leaned his hip against the table. He crossed his arms, thought he probably looked pretty damn serious himself, and uncrossed them. “Maybe I wanna tell you something. Let’s hear it, Major.”

“So I just… I know we talked earlier and we worked it out but--- Shepard, we pulled our guns on each other today. That kind of thing… It’s not easy to get over. So I guess I wanna know… if it had come down to it, if you’d really had no other choice, would you have done it?”

“Done what?”

Kaidan’s eyes were too dark, too naked, too damned deep. “Killed me,” he said.

Shepard felt cold spread through his chest, like someone had borne ice down on his heart. He knew that if he looked away, whatever tenuous thing they had managed to hold on to would be gone. He would lose Kaidan, and he didn’t think there was a way he’d ever get him back. So Shepard kept his eyes steady on Kaidan’s face, kept his body still and his jaw tight. “No,” he said. “Never. There’s always a choice, Kaidan, and I’d never hurt you. I couldn’t ever bring myself to do that.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said. “Same here. I… I couldn’t have---“

“Got pretty hot,” Shepard said. “But we both knew it wouldn’t come to that. I knew I could talk you down, and you knew I’d never do anything to betray the Council.” He stepped a little closer, testing the waters, seeing if Kaidan let him slip near enough to touch him. “Or you,” Shepard whispered.

His thumb brushed over the scar on Kaidan’s lips. He was met with no resistance, save for slight trembling, so Shepard went a little further, tracing those lips with his own. Kaidan sighed his name, reaching up and curling his finger against the scar at Shepard’s hairline. Two old soldiers, that was what they were; but when they were close, Shepard felt young enough to do just about anything. 

It was a little too hot. Shepard could feel the sweat building up at his temple and the hollow of his throat. Kaidan pressed his face against the slick skin of Shepard’s throat, moving himself into his arms. Shepard held him, and that was all. That was more than enough; to just hold him and feel him warm and solid in his arms. 

To know it was okay.

 _They_ were okay.

****

_Just a quick drink._

Shepard grinned, curling his arm around Kaidan’s shoulders. It was the first time he’d smiled in what felt like forever, and of course no one was around to see it. Kaidan was asleep, naked, with his legs tangled in the sheets. There was no such thing with a quick drink with Kaidan, there never had been. And when he’d leaned a little too close and let his hand linger a little too long on Shepard’s neck and let his mouth linger a little too long on Shepard’s lips, drinking had been the last thought on both of their minds.

He had no idea what would happen with Cerberus, what would happen with the Catalyst and the Crucible and Earth. What Shepard did know was that Kaidan would be beside him through all of it, and really, that was all he needed to know. 

Shepard kiss Kaidan’s forehead in the darkness, skin warm and damp under his lips. He closed his eyes and let their bodies shift a little closer. 

****

He was the last person Shepard thought of before darkness took him.

****

Remembering to breathe, that was a tough thing to do. Remembering when he needed to catch a shave, when he needed to smile to put other’s at ease, when he needed to soldier up and wipe his tears away and let Shepard rest. It was easy to remember someone you loved was gone; easier than Kaidan had expected, and far easier than he’d been told. What was hard was when he didn’t remember. When he woke up in the middle of the night and reached across the bed for a body that was no longer there. When he found something funny on the extranet and found himself keying in Shepard’s email before he remembered the man was through laughing.

When he came home and called out to him and was greeted with silence.

 _Sanity check_ , Kaidan thought. That was what he needed. But without Shepard, he didn’t think what he needed mattered, because there was no getting over him. 

At least not that Kaidan could see. 

****

It was breaking news. 

Kaidan checked his Omni-tool and made a noise caught desperately between a laugh and a sob. He choked on it.

**BODY RECOVERED IN CITADEL WRECKAGE; UNIDENTIFIED, BUT CLOSE SOURCES SAY IT MIGHT BE CDR. SHEPARD.**

He snagged his jacket from the hook on the wall and called Liara for info.

And a ride to the Citadel.


End file.
